Believe me when I say that I never intended for any of this to happen. What I mean to say is, back when we first started seeing each other, and you waited 30 minutes before responding to my texts and I got nervous speaking to you without the help of external substances, I couldn’t picture any of this happening. Perhaps I could have imagined us kissing in some restaurant, or maybe even holding hands in line at the movie theatre, but the rest of it? Well, that I could not have imagined.

I guess at this point it’s embarrassing, right? Not embarrassing like when think your lecture class starts at three, but it actually starts at two and you run in an hour late and everyone stares at you. It doesn’t make me red in the face or anything like that. It’s just humiliating. I know the way I sound when I talk about you: silly, young, a character from a Sarah Dessen novel, but mostly like someone I would make fun of. That’s the thing that embarrasses me the most — that this thing (I’d call it “this love,” but that’s precisely the type of jejune thing I despise) has turned me into someone else.

It’s that other person — that needy, grabby salesman of a person — that you don’t love, right? Is that the thing you hate about me? That neediness? That itchiness? The way I look at you, the way I change my plans for you? How I become one of those women who work at a department store and follow you from rack to rack. “Do you need anything?” “Can I help you with anything?” “Is there anything in particular today that you’re looking for?” If I cared less, would you care more? At first I was going to ask “would you care at all,” but that’s not right, is it? You care about me, you do. You value me. Probably. I mean, if someone asked you if you value me, you would say yes. You just don’t actively value me. It seems like that wouldn’t make a difference, but it makes a huge difference.

I’ve manicured my hands and dyed my hair and perfumed my skin for you and, the whole while, I’ve told myself that it would make you love me. I’ve made sure I was the funniest in the room, the wittiest in the conversation, convincing myself that it would make you change your mind. It should be noted that these are precisely the kind of facts that humiliate me. It didn’t work. None of it worked. Isn’t that funny? I mean, not ha-ha-funny, but you have to admit — there is something laugh-worthy about it. I mean, I once spent the whole day getting my hair cut and blown out because you said you’d be at a party and you didn’t even show up. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

I have told you so much, but there are pieces I have learned to keep hidden from you over these years. Perhaps, these are the parts I will eventually learn to compartmentalize and keep hidden from myself, as well. It’s no question in my mind: When a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, it does not make a sound, it did not fall.

I don’t move on well. I sit in a box labeled “Past Things.” One of those boxes that you shove in the attic or basement and you keep your childhood dolls and high school awards in it. I do not know why this is. Maybe I don’t want to move on. Do you think that’s it? I’m sorry; that’s an unfair question, isn’t it? Well, while I’m at it, can I ask more unfair questions? Is there anything I can do? I can be more honest or less harsh or less anxious or more quiet. Do you like quiet girls? I could be a quiet girl. Yes, I could certainly be one of those quiet girls. Just tell me what to do it and I’ll do it.

I’m sorry. I’m doing it again, aren’t I? The thing you don’t love about me isn’t my hair color or my laugh that’s a bit too loud or anything like that. It’s the questions. It’s the constant questions, isn’t it?

Adapted from thoughtcatalog.com

Once in awhile, I get into this rut that I find extremely hard to pull myself out from. Hopefully, I wouldn’t stay here for too. Oh, why can’t life be simpler at times. Sometimes, I find myself even afraid to come here to pen down my thoughts. That itself, is even more terrifying than anything else.

Listened a rather interesting sermon last week. It’s been awhile since I’ve actually heard something “fresh” being spoken to me. Was a nice feeling.

Let’s just say, you don’t always have to right neither are you always right.

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!! HUAT AHHHH!!!!!

Spent a rather quiet Christmas & New Year’s this year. Either I’m getting too old for all this counting down stuff or as you get older, these events just kinda seem less important. All you wanna do is to huddle up in bed or at home with loved & close ones.

I was tempted to do a traditional “2011 in a glance” post but thought I’ll skip the cliché. As I’ve gradually ‘aged’, I realise that the number of friends you have start to dwindle. From going out every single day in the past (even though I’ve never been one who liked going out to brave the bulldoze of crowds besides the occasional i-don’t-know-what-got-into-me-moments), now, I choose more to meet up with friends whom I can share with and people I actually do cherish. It makes them all the more precious. From changing social circles frequently, to now, having a fixed social group that you constantly meet up and share with. One that is close to heart. One that you know you can always trust.

Randomly, I thought when I eventually do get married, who will I invite to my wedding. I starting counting, albeit briefly, the number of people I will like to share this very special day with and the total number probably came up to less than 50, excluding family. I’m either extremely anti-social, bad at making friends or selfish. Probably a little of everything. When you reach a certain age, attending weddings, almost monthly, seem to become the norm and I start to pick up on what I like and do not like about weddings. One thing I can’t stand – inviting a thousand people whom you are not close to, to your wedding, out of formality or probably courtesy. Inviting people who you have not seen or spoke to in years. My wedding, I hope, will be one that is close to heart. Nothing elaborate, small and most importantly, heartfelt without the frivolous need for formality or ceremony. I’m not even sure I want to do a march-in. Not that I’m gonna get married any time soon… My peers seem to marry young and it’s of a erm, shock to me. To think that the government is complaining that people are getting married older and not having kids. Many of my peers are either engaged, married or planning on they wanna get married and buy a flat. When I was younger, I dreamt of and wanted to marry young, like 22 or 23, which is now. Thinking back, how I ever got that idea into my head, I have absolutely no idea because it is beyond normal human thinking to visualise me being married like…now. Even 26 seems a little young for me now. You know how when some people tell you that they are getting married or planning for marriage, it seems natural. But for myself, I do not have that ‘feel’ yet still. If I were to tell anyone I’m getting married soon, it will feel…unnatural, for the lack of a better adjective due to my limited vocabulary. Of course, I do not want to miss that train that everybody talks about and sentence a woman to, to marriage. Apparently, once you miss your “season”, it’s gonna be hard for you to find a spouse. Though it’s interesting to note that it applies only to ladies. Men seems to value-add as they grow even older. Life is truly unfair. The thought of marriage, to be honest, kinda scares me a little. Entrusting the rest of your life which is about 75% of it left, to another human being who is not related to you in anyway. Seeing people around me planning for their wedding and worrying about getting a house and after which, worrying about paying for the house and the many other things freaks me out. It makes me worry for them too. Or maybe, the way they put it to me makes marriage seem more of an obligation and bondage. Not all of course. I do, however, pray with all my heart that my marriage will never born out of anything else other that true love. I’ve also read recently that no man can compares to one full of wisdom, leadership and humour. To which, I have to agree wholeheartedly.

If there is one thing I want and hope to do in 2012, that will be to travel more. I do not know when I developed this sudden love for travelling (or maybe I do), but I absolutely am head over heels in love with it now! I went to 3 different countries in 2011 even though I ended the year feeling as though I have not travelled at all. So weird really. I’ve always wanted to travel not as a tourist but as a local. To go native they would say. To be immersed into a culture and all that it has to bring, to experience life in a foreign land like the locals do. To put the maps aside and explore the city where my feet and intuition brings me to. To wander through the little streets and minor roads away from the typical tourist attractions. To find hardly patronised hidden treasures. To not be bothered with the time and walk from sunrise to dusk to dawn. To make friends with strangers (hopefully friendly good people) and see an already strange place in yet another light. To stay in a place of not just a mere 5 days but for months. This, will take some time to come to pass, but I believe one day, I will be able to experience a life like this. Maybe I’m inspired by Eat, Pray, Love. What a wonderful way to find yourself away from home.

That and I’m freaking Twenty Four. Oh Em Gee.

3 Reasons to Travel While You’re Young

The other night, I had a conversation with a young woman who had a number of decisions ahead of her, one of which was whether she should go to grad school or travel the world.

I told her to travel. Hands down. No excuse. Just go.

Photo credit: Flickr (Creative Commons)

She sighed.

“Yeah, but…”

Never were more fatal words spoken.

Yeah, but… what about debt?
Yeah, but… what about my job?
Yeah, but… what about my boyfriend (or dog or car or whatever)?

“Yeah, but…” is pernicious. Because it makes it sound like we have the best of intentions when really we are just too scared to do what we should.

It allows us to be cowards, while sounding noble.

Most people I know who waited to travel the world never did. Conversely, plenty of people who waited for grad school or a steady job and traveled still did those things — eventually.

Be careful of the yeah-but. The yeah-but will kill your dreams.

I was so stirred by this conversation that I shared it with a group of about thirty young adults last night, many of which were asking these very questions.

The life you’ve always wanted

When you get older, life seems to just sort of happen to you. Your youth is a time of total empowerment.

You get to do what you want. As you mature and gain new responsibilities, you have to be very intentional about making sure you don’t lose sight of what’s important.

So if you still have a reasonable amount of control over your circumstances, you should do what really matters. Because life won’t always be just about you.

During early adulthood, your worldview is still being formed. It’s important to steward this time — to give yourself opportunities to grow. A good way to do that is to travel.

So, young person, travel.

Travel wide and far.
Travel boldly.
Travel with full abandon.

You will regret few risks you take, when it comes to this. I promise you.

There are three reasons to travel while you’re young:

1. Traveling teaches you to live an adventure

When you look back on your life, you will have moments of which you are proud and maybe a few you regret. It’s likely that the following won’t be on the latter list:

• Bicycled across the Golden Gate Bridge.
• Appeared on Italian TV.
• Hiked a Mayan ruin.
• Learned Spanish in three months.
• Toured Europe by train.

They’re not on mine (fun fact: I’ve done all of the above).

What, then, will be?

• Holding back.
• Being afraid.
• Making excuses.
• Not taking more risks.
• Waiting.

While you’re young, you should travel.

You should take the time to see the world and taste the fullness of life. It’s worth whatever investment or money or sacrifice of time required on your part.

It’s not about being a tourist. It’s about experiencing true risk and adventure so you don’t have to live in fear for the rest of your life.

2. Traveling helps you encounter compassion

In your youth, you will make choices that will define you. The disciplines you begin now will be with you for the rest of your life.

Traveling will change you like little else can. It will put you in places that will force you to care for issues that are bigger than you.

If you go to southeast Asia, you may encounter the slave trade. If eastern Europe, you may see the effects of genocide and religious persecution. If Haiti, you’ll witness the the ugly side Western paternalism.

Your heart will break.

You will begin to understand that the world is both a big and small place. You will have a new-found respect for the pain and suffering that over half of the world takes for granted on a daily basis. And you will feel more connected to your fellow human beings in a deep and lasting way.

You will learn to care.

3. Traveling allows you to get some culture

While you’re still young, you should get cultured. Get to know the world and the magnificent people that fill it.

There’s nothing quite like walking alongside the Coliseum or seeing Michelangelo’s David in person. I can describe the city of San Juan and its amazing beaches and historic sites to you, but you really have to see it for yourself to experience it. You can read all the books in the world about the Great Wall of China or The Louvre, but being there is a different story.

The world is a stunning place, full of outstanding works of art. See it.

Do this while you’re still young. Do not squander this time. You will never have it again.

You have a crucial opportunity to invest in the next season of your life now. Whatever you sow, you will eventually reap.

Please. For your sake, do this.

You won’t always be young. And life won’t always be just about you. So travel. Experience the world for all it’s worth. Become a person of culture, adventure, and compassion.

“What if I’m not young?”

Travel, anyway. It may not be easy to do, but find a way to get out of your comfort zone. It’s really never too late.

But if you haven’t gotten sucked into the routine of life yet, I implore you — travel. It will never be easier than it is right now for you to do that which really matters.

If you’re young, have you traveled yet? Have you seen what the world has to offer and how it can change you? What’s holding you back?

If you’re older, did you travel when you were young? What regrets do you have?

My birthday was a good one week ago but in true Charmaine’s fashion, I celebrate for a month. So while this post may seem a little outdated, it’s pretty fresh in my world, still. I haven’t exactly had a non-drama birthday since my 17th birthday. However, despite all that has happened each year during my favourite month of the year (WHY?!?!), I was always reminded by how blessed I am to have an awesome family and group of friends whom I can always count on. Above all, thankful to Him, for all that He has placed into my life. People tell me constantly how I’m pampered/spoilt and I know, I am very blessed. It’s only possible because of all the awesome people that for some unknown reason to most of mankind, God thought I deserve to have in my life. Beyond every dramatic change of bittersweet events year after year after year, whenever I think back, I’m reminded of just loved I was and am. It would have never been possible without Him. I’m fairly certain of that. And thank God, the curse if finally broken this year!!! Haha. At long last, after a more-than-overdue 5 years, I’m having an extremely happy and drama-free December! Hope it stays this way!

This year, my birthday was met with a million (maybe million is a little exaggerating) surprises. Regardless of everything a strong-headed 21st century girl says, they are all still suckers for a good surprise. Well, at least for me.

Received early birthday presents from Jie and D. Both of which I love! Thank you! <3 One I received at least 3 months ago and another 1 month before. I am so blessed. I know.

Had an early “celebration” with PIC. Was a fun day, as always. We ‘bumped’ into sesame street and Wu Chun(!!!). He’s reallyyy cute. The rumours were true.

Birthday itself, I was surprised with a bouquet of flowers delivered to the office from none other than D. Was not expecting it at all. Extremely sweet of him to do that since he was caught up that day, like he most probably will be every year of that day. So…that gesture was really thoughtful of him. Aptly named “Fit for a Princess”. I even have my own personal tiara. My colleague asked me to tell her boyfriend about this so that he will get the hint. Lol.

Received another surprise when I came back from lunch from a colleague with a jar of one of my favourite sweets. And, my department also surprised me with a cake! I have some really indescribable moments at work which I shall not reveal but always thankful for these few people that I’ve been greatly blessed to work with making the working environment a little more sane but totally crazy at the same time. Oxymoronic but…true story.

Had dinner with Jie & Mummy at night. Not knowing that my sis was actually in cahoots with the Gang to kidnap me! Was “forced” out of the house at about 10pm (hello guys, you know it’s my sleeping time right?!?!), went to The Pump Room where we (well, just 3 of us) kinda went a little crazy, JM’s style. It’s also where we saw Venetta Lopez!!!! I love The Morning Express and I think she’s crazy hilarious so I was a little star-struck especially after she wished me happy birthday and gave me a hug. For that moment, I was almost certain I could have liked girls. Hahaha. Okay, just kidding! Stayed out till about half past three in the morning. As you can imagine, I died the moment I reached home. My body is not built to stay up beyond 11pm. Nonetheless, they never fail to come up with something new each year for my birthday. One of the best group of friends anybody can ask for. Thank you!!! You know I love you guys!!!!

As expected, I spent most of the next day sleeping at home. Hahaha. D came and picked me up from home before bringing me to a “secret location” for dinner. Found out my surprise was Graze at Rochester. I’ve always wanted to go there. That and I never knew Rochester is actually so close to my place! I thought it was near Dempsey area or something. Was a really nice and EXTREMELY FILLING dinner. After which we headed to MBS, wanted to go up but decided to just walk around instead. As you can tell from the photo, we were exhausted by the end of the day. Haha. Thank you for putting in so much effort, thought and research (;)) <3

Spent even more time sleeping the next day. Hahaha. Had a simple celebration at Carousel with the Family + D. I think Kor colluded with the waitresses and they came out singing some really hip birthday song that I’ve never heard before in my life with the words “sha la la la” in it. Was yet another pleasant surprise. Love my family to death even though they drive me crazy at times. To be fair, I drive them fairly crazy as well. Realise we didn’t take a family photo that day.

Monday night was spent with my dearest God-dad, Nana, B2 & Jie. Celebrated 3 person’s birthdays at once. Always great to see them and to spend time with them. They dote on me a whole lot and I really appreciate it. God sent angels who are always watching over me. Wish such meetings could happen more often but it’s so difficult to plan a time when everybody is free. Thankful for moments like these.

Thankful to all who texted, BBM-ed, whatsapp-ed, called or facebook-ed me Happy Birthday! Touched by all the well-wishes and by all of you who remembered my special day! Extremely grateful to these people. It’s a great reminder always, of the people who are close to you, whom you have impacted or had an influence on, who loves you, who remembers you or also those who have forgotten or drifted away from you through the years. And for those who have stayed close all these years, thank you. I hope you know that no matter how close/far or how often/seldom we are or talk, I’m always just a phone call away whenever you need someone.

Above all, I’m thankful to God. For without Him, there will neither be me nor my birthday. Without Him, there wouldn’t be all the above that I can be thankful for. Thankful to Him for seeing me through the past 23 years and hopefully, many many more to come.

Thank You and thank you.
Till next time!

It’s a peaceful Tuesday evening. Spending time to myself and watching Teevee. It’s always good. I enjoy moments like these. While many people may get bored or feel lonely, I kind of relish in such moments. It’s getting more rare as I grow older.

Been trying to rebuild up my faith recently and to tear down certain walls that I built up once more. It’s difficult but I’m trying. It’s so much easier to build up walls than to destroy them. Ironic as when it comes to everything else, it seems so much easier to destroy than to make something. Why does life have to be so hard? Haha. Shall not start whining because it’s a road we all do not want to go down on. Well, I’m working towards it is what I’ll like to say.

Kinda miss studying and writing reports. While I absolutely do not enjoy datelines and having the pressure of being graded, etc, I do enjoy leisure studying and doing research papers. I’m a nerd like that. It’s rather, therapeutic and relaxing. I bet all you students out there are rolling your eyes at me. Trust me, you’ll miss it once you graduate it too. Few things that I actually do miss still from being in school besides the AWESOME $1.80/$2.10 Yong Tau Fu of course!

Bye friends!